this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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