I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
