my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
