i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
