Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
