I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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