were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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