She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
