Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
