just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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