i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
