so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
