If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
