Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
