I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
