So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
