obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
