It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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