and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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