CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
