yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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