i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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