not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
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