Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
