nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
