i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
