If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
