theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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