he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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