I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
