Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
