I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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