Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
