I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
