this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
