I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
