you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.