dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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