I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
