my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
