I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
