The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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