i think i have herpe
just one?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
