My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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