This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
