Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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