I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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