was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
