Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
