Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm passing your future prison.
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smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
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At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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