There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
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These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
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That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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