Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
