No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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