If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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