Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
