"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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