WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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