textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
