She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
